Maybe this post is a bad idea, maybe I sound stupid but possibly others can relate and it isn’t so useless in the end.
How I’m feeling? Well it’s hard to say… I never expected to feel so lonely and fullfilled at the same time.
So far I met a bunch of incredible people that make me feel like I’m being appreciated. But then there are moments where I’m sitting in a room full of people and feel like I don’t belong and that I don’t fit in.
I wanted to get away from these thoughts.
The social pressure to be liked.
The individual pressure to be the best.
Even here in Costa Rica it’s still there. But these few moments being completely on your own, surrounded by nature and all its voices. These moments where you want to cry because you’re so happy that you’re alone and don’t have to be someone or suceed in any kind. These moments are precious. In my hometown I never experienced the feeling of being just by myself. There was always something around.
Can’t lonelyness be the best feeling sometimes?
Even when people say that they are themselves while being together with others I say that they are not. It is not possible. You always adapt to the situation and change certain characteristics of yourself to fit in. Because that is what everybody wants. I always tell myself that I am confident and that I am being me but when I’m sitting in a room with others listening to their conversation and watching their behaviour I can feel how I change my body language, my voice, the themes I talk about.
It’s messed up and maybe I’m interpretating to much into everything and analysing myself and others too excessivly, but that’s what is going on in my head.
If you don’t like it I’m okay with that.
This text just shows a small part of my feelings so please don’t interpretate too much into it.